Never Again

Biggest regret in life? How can someone even ask me that? If I were to sit down and start listing regrets, the interesting pattern is they all start with "you". (Which I find ironic because you loved your lists so much)

What were you anyway?

You were a part of me that I never knew existed. Inside your eyes and beneath your skin there lay a thousand layers of me that never surfaced until we met. Flaws, perfections, loves, hates, pains, burdens and all the things that make us real: I loved them all. You weren't an angel who was always right, but you were me and I was you and we were us.  It's not supposed to make sense, and if doesn't, I don't care. All I knew was I was grateful because you picked me up so I could fly.

Where would we  be now, had Shakespeare not penned our tale? If the tragic shadow that overcast our lives had been fanned away like the smell of an unpleasant smoke?

The truth is, I don't know. I can't even imagine it anymore. And of all the things I've learned in life, the absolute craziest was that it can go on without you. I didn't like it. I didn't want it. But life still went on, as it often seems to do.

When you left, of course you took the part of me you gave. You took the me-ness that was you, and left the remaining bits of me bleeding on the floor. I wept and shuddered and tried to hide, but Grace has a funny way of findings us.

Gentle hands were led to me to help me patch the wounds. The sweetest girl I've ever known became better than the best friend I had already considered her. If you ever taught me anything, it was to truly be grateful for the light on her face and love in her heart. I thought that I appreciated her, but now I know that I can trust her, and that's more than I can say for you.

I couldn't fix the wound you left because I can't see my own back. But I can't see the scar either. You might have taken part of me when you left, but the blood clotted, the scar tissue softened and I went on. Differently, but still went on. What's left now is  a changed me... a thankful, older me.

The regrets were all a part of you, but you're not a part of me anymore.