Someday

Someday i am going to learn
how to say No.
how to say what i'm thinking
never what i'm feeling
because i am still trying to learn
what that is again.

someday i am going to learn
Who i am
and what i Want
because in the end my capitalization is not
sporadic like you think
but has a purpose
a meaning
and a reason for getting up in the morning.

i wish i could pretend i wasn't
living my life to
spite the heck
out of the ghosts of my past.
like maybe i was driven by ambition
not the
deep-seeded desire to prove
that i
can be Someone
be Something
not just a broken girl
they left on the walk to
die.

ripped wings
torn dreams
i traded in for purpose.
a scarred lip
a broken wall
and all the little things in life
that don't seem quite
Alright.

Thoughts Divided

[And I would like to know how it's possible that you are the source of my pain... yet I don't want to live a life without you]

(I am tripping between lines, behind words, over schedules and under feet. I can't see past my shoulder or beyond my line of vision which is limited by time. Every day a new reminder of something I forgot... another taste of another bitter root and I am coughing, gagging up the remainders of another not-quite-A... just want it to go away)

{I smile because the moments inside of frozen window-esque picture frames are lovely on the walls of my thoughts... we spend too much money, eat too much junk food, but man, it feels good not to be alone}

{(When consequently I miss you... because while I am stumbling through a field of paperwork and miscalculations you are somewhere opposite me.... but I can't reach over the stacks of miles and lost time to get you... sometimes the file folders fall away to reveal us sitting next to each other laughing... but mostly leave us wandering amongst those we wander with)}

[{(And do I talk about him too much when I talk to you????)}]

[and I feel so scared of this, of you, of not knowing and always wondering... I know it's not any easier for you but somehow I feel it is... I think I wanna talk about it... but we both know if it's never said, it's like we never happened... and then it doesn't matter what the dice reveals....]

(and I know I have so much to do [but I'd rather talk to you] {(and it's so hard not to cry}))

{we almost both lost it today but we're still holding on}

- e=mc but only 1

and if you can find the method to this madness then you will get a dedicated blog post :)

So Many Words Have Passed

This morning came too early because last night was far too late.

This is the first time in a long time I have done this.

(Or at least it's been since March.)

And I am terribly afraid of you

(Though I told you that I'm not)

Because those three words I will not say

And all the others that could mean so much

Won't leave my lips

But the clock reveals the secret

By reminding me how very many other words

Have fallen off a lazy tongue, wanting one more moment

Before this is gone forever.

And I could have given you my heart

Could have given you my trust

But instead I gave you my words

And I may as well have given you both the former.

The Reason

The sun shines through dusty windows, making light-beam dancefloors for specks of old skin who are talking and mingling to a song for the deaf. Outside a thousand crickets are calling to each other like the way we used to do- across concrete, over side walks, behind the old buildings and over skateboard inflicted wounds. I got a new sketch pad for my birthday (actually I got four) and I remembered that I am still loved even though I thought love was dead. Lethargic yawn stretching into another nap and the 100 Greatest Rock Songs (numbers 81-60) are whining in the background. I think Slash looks pretty good for his age and find myself briefly wondering what kind of shampoo he uses.
I think about a lot of things when I think about days that feel like summer. I think about a lot of people I have known and places I have been- mostly nouns but the occasional verb I guess, and all the adjectives you crave. Am I really more than just a blue-eyed metaphor or was the song written for me? Sometimes I'm pretty sure everyone knows who I am but me. How weird is that? I know that when the night falls and the stars are standing aloof and silent, too good for this fallen earth with our broken lives and the brevity of everything, that I want to be there with them but I am only skin and memories instead of hydrogen suspended dust.
I look at you sitting beside me, my best friend, who so delicately reminded me that I need to update my blog. I don't know how it's so easy for you. Once I ran out of things to complain about and had to start being honest, it's like walking on pins and needles to update. I don't want to bore the world with a littany of what I have done in a day but I don't want anyone to read my thoughts. My thoughts and feelings are the only thing that keep me sheltered from the rest of the world. No matter what people do, they can never take away the deep-seeded wonderings and ramblings I possess about life, the universe and everything. I can tell them my life story, but as long as they can't follow my logic I know I will always be safe.
So perhaps I am just a coward. Perhaps I'm just jaded. Maybe someday people will think of me as a young Charles Dickens, but that might be pushing it a bit. Whatever the case, all I know is that no matter how much the world scares me sometimes, I am happy to be sitting here with you, pretending I'm not afraid and knowing that my thoughts are safer with you than myself.
And that's the reason I love you.