When The Butterflies Won't Fly Away

I can't sleep because I've got a million songs and memories floating through my head. I saw your smile on someone else's face tonight while I was out. A quick flash and the things I tried so hard to forget were back as all the caterpillar feelings which had been sleeping in cocoons broke into a new array of butterflies. Five years. Who are you that you could have such power over me. Sometimes I wish I could meet you again, and let you ruin yourself as all the others did. Then maybe the butterflies could go free without someone having to first slash me open.

I pull up her profile on Facebook and sigh. I sigh because she's beautiful (man, I wish I was beautiful...*) and because she's my best friend and because she's leaving. I sigh because I want to know how it feels to be loved. (Instead of lied and led and all the 'L' words that are always Less than love) 

I peer at my phone but know that no new texts are coming. We both know we're not asleep but always hope one of us can finally catch a wink. The days are long and I think the reason we have to stay awake is because we so desperately hope the day isn't all there is. (I'm hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something* but it hardly ever is.)

So there are the ramblings of one who can't sleep because the music and memories won't stop playing. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just tired. But maybe broken records and torn vinyl aren't so different from fleeing dreams and butterfly have-beens.

* "Mr Jones" by Counting Crows

* "Unwell" by Matchbox 20